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Useful Hints, Tips and Words of Wisdom

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Useful Hints, Tips and Words of Wisdom

Postby Darren » Mon Aug 01, 2005 08:58 pm

This is a FAQ that anybody can write to, if they have a hint or tip that may be useful to other forum users, or simply words of wisdom you wish to share with our bretheren and sisteren.

Please no digressions or comments/thanks for any tips (please do that by PM to the person who posted it). Any such digressions will be snipped out.

Also remember this is a family forum, and the management take no responsibility for loss, breakage, damage or insanity that may result from following any of these tips ;)
Last edited by Darren on Wed Aug 10, 2005 09:40 am, edited 7 times in total.
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Postby Bonsai » Thu Aug 04, 2005 03:20 pm

If you spill red wine on the carpet pour over white wine to get rid of the stain :D
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Postby Jaunty Angle » Thu Aug 04, 2005 08:59 pm

A pythagorean comma is, basically, the difference between a B# and a C. It is also the difference between 12 perfect 5ths and 7 octaves.
Not just yet, can't be arsed.
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Postby Rabelasian » Thu Aug 04, 2005 09:07 pm

Don't clean your teeth with minty toothpaste and then drink a cup of tea or coffee. It'll taste disgusting.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
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Postby Zephyr » Thu Aug 04, 2005 09:51 pm

Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first.
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Postby Buckjump » Fri Aug 05, 2005 09:09 am

Bonsai wrote:If you spill red wine on the carpet pour over white wine to get rid of the stain :D


Similarly, if you spill white wine on the carpet, quickly pour red wine over it to get rid of the stain. This works. Honest.
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Postby Buckjump » Fri Aug 05, 2005 09:31 am

Some Top Tips, courtesy of Viz:

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.

Busy Executives: don't buy a Dachshund dog. Their amusing sausage shape means they take 50% longer to stroke than other dogs.

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead

When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case a large blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up the road. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead General Infirmary

OLD contact lenses make ideal 'portholes' for small model boats.

EXPENSIVE hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much cheaper alternative, but beware of bees in the summer.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the ****ing thing in the first place, you fat bastards.

Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle

BOMB disposal experts' wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.
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Postby HV » Fri Aug 05, 2005 01:11 pm

Dont eat yellow snow - very important.
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Postby Gavin » Fri Aug 05, 2005 02:04 pm

Safe Sex Advice

Don't go paddling without your wellies
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Postby Brorien » Fri Aug 05, 2005 09:10 pm

What happens in the woods stays in the woods
Take my love, take my land, take me where I can not stand. I don't care, I'm still free, You can't take the sky from me.

Take me out to the black, tell them I ain't comin' back. Burn the land and boil the sea, you can't take the sky from me.
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Postby Temple Maiden » Fri Aug 05, 2005 10:25 pm

Rabelasian wrote:Don't clean your teeth with minty toothpaste and then drink a cup of tea or coffee. It'll taste disgusting.


Same goes for drinking fruit juice after brushing.

But if you eat a slice of bread first, it takes away the nasty taste.
"Oh smeg!" said the Borg. "We have assimilated Lister!"
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Postby Doc Brown » Tue Aug 09, 2005 11:10 pm

British Puddings are delicious :D
Image Question 12. What is the forums favourite British Pudding?
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Postby prettybutterfly » Wed Aug 10, 2005 09:21 am

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

I laughed til I cried :D
My tip for the day: Beware of automated phone services they are the creation of satan :twisted:
"I love my geek"
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Postby Rammie » Wed Aug 10, 2005 12:15 pm

Don't waste money on a vibrator, simply fill an empty cigar tube with angry wasps. Hey presto!!
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Postby rentawitch » Wed Aug 10, 2005 12:29 pm

an Organic vibrator. very green, - now how do you catch wasps? :roll:
As we journey through life, discarding baggage along the way, we should keep an iron grip, to the very end, on the capacity for silliness.

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