by Buckjump » Fri Aug 05, 2005 09:31 am
Some Top Tips, courtesy of Viz:
Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.
Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.
Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.
Busy Executives: don't buy a Dachshund dog. Their amusing sausage shape means they take 50% longer to stroke than other dogs.
Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead
When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case a large blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up the road. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead General Infirmary
OLD contact lenses make ideal 'portholes' for small model boats.
EXPENSIVE hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much cheaper alternative, but beware of bees in the summer.
Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the ****ing thing in the first place, you fat bastards.
Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle
BOMB disposal experts' wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.
Question 12. What is the forums favourite British Pudding?
